After the ovulation test

So the tests showed that I was ovulating. That sounded positive. At least my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing.

I was given a drug, Clomid. The idea behind this drug is that it is designed to encourage ovulation. Right, excellent! If this drug was meant to encourage ovulation, it wouldn’t be long and I would conceive.

Whilst this was happening, I was referred to a consultant in the local hospital. This was just to discuss what would be the next step in trying to identify why I was not conceiving. Great, things were moving along.

After a conversation with the consultant, it was decided that the next step would be a lap and dye. A coloured dye flushed through my Fallopian tubes to determine whether there was a blockage, and hence no egg reaching my uterus.  Now I was faced with two sets of emotions. Firstly, yes, let’s see what is actually going on inside and let’s address it. However there was an overriding feeling of dread. And the reason for this was because I have an allergy to muscle relaxants that are present in general anaesthetic. Basically, I do not have an enzyme in my body to break this down. So effectively, I would come round after the operation, but paralysed until the muscle relaxant wore off. But the problem is, I did not know this at the time, as I had been told all my life that I was allergic to general anaesthetic and I wouldn’t come round.

Leading up to the op, all I did was cry. I was petrified of not coming round after the operation. My husband even said , you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I did seriously consider this, but it was either I don’t bother and potentially not have a baby, or just suck it up and get on with it. I did the latter.

So the op went ahead. After the op, I did feel quite sad and upset, selfishly thinking why me? Why did I have to go through this? It wasn’t fair. Fairly common emotions.

The results came back………….no blockage, and a slight case of endometriosis! Great, there was no blockage, the endometriosis wasn’t that bad to cause any concern. So far everything in our favour. It was decided that I would keep on with the clomid and see what happened. And another appointment to see the consultant.

 

Its been a while

I havent written a post since all this COVID debacle started!! It took a while to get my head around everything and to ensure i kept my anxiety in check. Then i got caught up in the home schooling and trying to keep every ‘normal’ for my daughter.

But i am now back and plan to update my blog as much as i can

Apologies

Apologies for there being such a delay in my posts. Leading up to lock down was quite hectic, and certainly since we have been in lock down, things have been…….bizarre. Firstly, my anxiety went through the roof because, sadly as a result of a miscarriage i endured 3 years ago, i suffer with anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD. one of those PTSD symptoms is of me, my husband and or my little girl dying. So at the start of this lock down i wasn’t coping very well and was in panic mode. I also had to self isolate as i had a cough. No other symptoms, so to be honest i think it was a run of the mill cough. I had antibiotics and soon back to normal. The reason for me telling you is that even though my journey is over, a lot of what i went through still has repercussions.

Maybe some of you reading this has been through similar or haven’t yet gone through it, and are unfortunately playing the waiting game for all this to be over, so that you can restart your IVF. Whatever you are feeling, give yourself time and a break. It is totally natural to feel all you are feeling, you are human!

Now that i have my focus back, the next blog post will be up within a week.

All stay safe xx

1st IVF Continued

Apologies for the delay in this post. Anxiety reared its head again, and whilst i thought the rounds of IVF that I have had caused me no issue, it clearly has. And my daughter has been poorly and my husband decides to collapsed in the shower in the gym, so we have been trying to sort him out and see whether there were underlying issues which may have caused this. So that has been a huge worry to me. But thankfully all his tests have come back clear, and my daughter is finally over her illness *rolls eyes* lol

Ok, so I had embarked on my 1st IVF cycle and had successfully injected, whilst away from home. It wasn’t easy, and it was awful being away from the comfort of home, and my husband. The injections continued, and I was back and fore the fertility clinic having internal scans which monitored my ovaries and womb lining. it still blows my mind now how much this technology has developed and continues to develop. How they can control your cycle to exactly what is needed.

So anyway, back and fore we went and were then given the nod, it was time to gets these bad boys out. My eggs. Now this did get me all in a tizz. It was the unknown of what was about to happen. I had a very rough idea, from speaking to someone I know who had gone through the process, but it still doesn’t fully prepare you.

We go into a cubicle, with other couples in the other cubicles, and it is so quiet. Everyone is whispering……which is hard for me, and anyone who knows me knows this is hard!

The very first go I had is a vague memory now, but I vaguely remember being given this that and the other…..paracetamol and I remember a suppository, which was NOT very nice and set my IBS off!

You are not asleep for the procedure, but have a little sedation. My turn to go down, and I was mega nervous now. I was hoping with all hope that I had a good number of eggs.

My husband had already provided his sample, that they were to use to fertilise the eggs. Again this just blows my mind, that something that is left down to nature, can be taken out of it’s own environment, and the process completed by humans in a lab!

Back up to recover and a cup of coffee and some biscuits.

When you are feeling ok, you can go home. I must admit I couldn’t wait to get home. I cant describe how I felt. Looking back now it was a whole mixture of emotion I think. Violated, sad, angry, annoyed, hopeful (maybe too hopeful), on edge……and a little sore. Now it was a waiting game to see whether the quality of eggs was good enough, how many would fertilise, and ultimately be any good. And then what the next steps were.

Anyone who ever thinks, oh its easy you just have your eggs taken out, fertilised, and put back, are sorely mistaken. it is quite a lengthy process, to allow the fertility team time to get things right and to give you the best possible chance of conceiving.

In my mind, these people are amazing, and I am not just saying that because I have my daughter. I am saying it because they have a lot of people’s trust in them and a huge amount of responsibility, because for some people they may only be able to afford 1 or 2 rounds.

Now we have to wait for the phone call to let us know what’s what. We get that call and we are told that 9 eggs were collected (I thought this was good), 6 fertilised and 3 had gone on to become blastocysts. ok this is good, we have 3. you ideally want the eggs to be fertilised and then develop into blastocysts to give them the best possible chance.

FYI a blastocyst is the advanced development stage. Those that are generally considered good quality blastocysts have a good potential to implant. They are graded and the strongest are selected for transfer

We went back to the clinic ready for the transfer. This is a relatively painless procedure. when I say relatively painless, you have to have a full bladder…….this is horrendous. You have a speculum inserted to open the cervix, and well no word of a lie, I thought I would pee all over the consultant. who assured me this was impossible. The egg is then put into a tube, and this is inserted and the embryo delivered to its new home in my womb. You do get to see the embryo on a screen before this happens, and that is a special moment. My husband is also present for this procedure. You can watch the moment the embryo is delivered on the screen. yep I missed it every time. its like that episode in friends when Rachel has her scan and she cant see her baby for love nor money…..that was me!

Now you just wait. Carry on with all your drugs and potions, etc. that help to develop and keep the baby there. You come away with a set of instructions and the date you must do your pregnancy test. That has top be the longest period of your life, just waiting, counting down the days to see if you are pregnant or not.

Finally the morning arrives. I am up so early because I just want to know. It is something I have to do before going to work. So I am either going to be happy in work that day, or an emotional wreck!! Well……..I was an emotional wreck. it hadn’t worked. I cant even begin to describe the feelings, and it makes me feel quite sad and emotional now to think back to that very first test. You automatically assume that having IVF it’s full gone conclusion that it will work, and I think looking back now I really didn’t fully prepare myself for the worst outcome. It hurt, it hurt like hell. Everything I had gone through leading up to that and it hadn’t worked. I had to go to work that morning, knowing I had a little embryo inside me, that should have been my baby, just wasn’t viable, and would be leaving me. It sounds a bit ridiculous to those who have not experienced anything like this, but it does feel like a loss.

What do I do now? I went to work so distraught and miserable. My friends and work colleagues were amazing. I cried and was sad for that day. I was sad and emotional with my husband. It was an awful day. but we got through it, went to bed, got up the following day and moved on.

New post coming

Hi All

Apologies for the delay in the next blog. It was a busy week last week, with half term. And my emotions have been a bit heightened writing all about my journey so far. Didnt realise it would have such an impact.

However i am back and the new post will be up this week! Watch this space.

Poetry

A little bit of poetry this evening. I have been having a go, and its been quite therapeutic!

THE 1st IVF round

Our first ever round of IVF was to begin! We went through the protocol with the consultant and they went through everything step by step. I have to wait for my period and then give them a ring and the protocol would start. Whoooop things were finally underway. There would be a period of injecting stimulating hormones to encourage as many follicles to be created as possible, but not too many. Then each follicle would be ‘drained’ (please bear in mind I am not using technical terms but how I processed it in my mind!) and it would determined from that how many eggs were available. The eggs were, in turn, graded, then as long as we had tidy quality eggs they would be fertilised.

I did as I was Instructed and rang the clinic when my period started. I had to go in and get my schedule of when and what to inject, swallow, etc., etc. I came away with a load of needles and pessaries and a sharps box. It was finally starting to dawn on me that, whilst I was not at all squeamish, I had never stuck a needle in myself, much less my stomach!! 😳 How hard could it be. Yes of course I knew I was gonna hurt a little.

Now all this coincided with a work trip! I had a client meeting in London. So not even a meeting down the road. This was a bloody 3-3 1/2 hr trip and then from Paddington to London eye area. Ok so let me get this straight in my mind, not only will I have to inject for the first time, but I had to do it away from home……shit! The first thing I had to factor into my journey was that the drugs had to be kept in the fridge!! Ah man, so not only did I have to carry these ‘drugs’ in my luggage, but I had to make sure they were kept cool. What if I didn’t do it correctly? What it they were kept out of the fridge for too long? What if I messed up on my very first go? Believe me all these thoughts go through your head, it is a huge amount of responsibility. If I got this wrong, then the cycle could be abandoned, and that’s another month lost! Ok let’s not think about it until we get to the hotel.

Now back at this time, mentally, I was quite a strong person. Yes I got nervous and a little anxious, but no more than anyone else. This was a huge benefit to me. I pulled on this strength massively.

So I arrive at the hotel, crap no fridge in my room. Ok now I am feeling a little embarrassed, I had to go and ask reception to store them in their fridge for me. Now I kept telling myself, they must come across this ALL the time, but it still felt eyes were on me, and people judging. But it’s what I had to do.

You can actually decide at what time of day you inject, but it has to be that time every day. I opted for the evening, but my reasoning was I could just go to sleep and forget about it, especially if it hurt. Again my way of protecting myself.

We went out for dinner with the client and then back to the hotel for a good nights sleep ready for the meeting the following day. Yeah. It had suddenly hit me in the lift going up to my room, it’s time. All the self doubts were creeping into my mind. I can’t do this, I can’t actually stick a needle in me. But I have to or there’s no baby. Ok let’s get a plan in place. I am a planner, I need to have things straight in my head, and a plan b. I would get the medication, go back to me room and just do it. Worse case, one of my colleagues at the meeting was a doctor, I would ring his room and ask him to do it. Those who know me, know I am not shy, so asking him to do it and actually let him do it was not an issue for me. However I was going to have to do this on a regular basis, so I would have to suck it up and just do it! I get back to my room, touch my hand with the needle, wow that’s sharp. What a dumb thing to think, of course it’s sharp. I txt my husband to say, right I am about to do it. I touched my skin on my belly with the needle…..shit I can’t do this. Then I began to focus on the end result, mand just get it done! I pinch the skin and pushed that needle in and injected the medication.

The next feeling was huge relief, followed by overwhelming emotion. I rang my husband in tears. He was worried, what’s wrong, what’s wrong. To which I answered, I did it, I just did it. You will honestly never understand how that feels and the emotion that goes along with it unless you have been through it. Trust me!

What happened next? ……….

Clomid clearly wasn’t working, so it was now time to move on to next step. Whilst age wasn’t bothering me too much, time was getting on!

We were referred to the IVF clinic, and an appointment with the IVF Consultant. The day we arrived at the clinic, I have to admit I was s*****ng myself. I just did not know what to expect. Would they tell me right there and then that I could have IVF? Would they do a whole heap of tests there and then? How was I going to inject? What if this didn’t work? My mind was on fire. My hopes were up one minute, after all wasn’t this the miracle science that had given loads of people a family. Then my hopes were rock bottom, what if (those magic words) my body just wasn’t up to the treatment? What if my eggs were crap? What if I had very few eggs? I was very excited but also quite scared!

I am not telling you this to scare you, I am telling you because you will feel these things, maybe not all of them, but I guarantee some of them. And do you know what……that’s ok. It’s normal to be scared and excited all at the same time. It’s something that means everything to us, and we do not want any mistakes or to be told, ‘sorry that ain’t gonna happen!’  It’s the unknown, and if you are anything like me, I hate the unknown with a passion. This is something that really pushes me out of my comfort zone, still does, and more so the older I get. I like to be in control. But that is a whole different story.                                                                             It is a very daunting prospect and experience entering an IVF clinic. As I soon as I walked in I felt a little nervous, but do you know what I needn’t have been.               My way of dealing with situations that I feel embarrassed in or nervous, is to either laugh or non-stop talk! The staff in the clinic were so lovely and welcoming, I instantly felt at ease. I thought there would be an awkwardness or we would find it hard talking about this, after all it is a sensitive, still taboo to a point, subject talking to a complete stranger about your reproduction. I Didn’t feel any of this. All I felt was, I was surrounded by people willing and eager to help me reach what I desperately desired…..to be a mum!

So as anticipated, the consultant when through my history, had a look at all previous tests. Saw that clomid wasn’t working and that I had a mild case of endometriosis. Now the start of this journey from here gets a bit hazing, because as I referred to in a previous blog, I kept very few notes. I didn’t need to right, I was gonna get IVF and be pregnant within the year!

First stop, yep you guessed it, tests. Not just me, my husband too. He wasn’t getting away with it lightly! A whole heap of tests to make sure we didn’t have any of ‘those’ conditions, look at my egg reserve and ovulation, etc., etc., and a look to see how he and his little swimmers were.

Even these tests come with a certain amount of anxiety. But back then I wasn’t anxious about them, the only feelings I had were, come on, come on, when can we start. I had waited long enough, and seen enough people around me announce their pregnancies……..my turn now!

We had had all the tests, and it appeared, at that time, that I had PCOS (Polycycstic Ovaries) with endometrosis. Now this again, in itself, didn’t bother me. I had known plenty of people who had PCOS and endometriosis and have had children, and in some cases, not just 1! The advice to the other half, take some supplements that help men (No I don’t mean viagra) and to, how do I put this politely, air those bad boys, especially if you are an office worker. Sitting down for too long is not good, they need to breathe and have a bit of air! Guys I am being deadly serious here, do anything to increase your chances.

I started to watch what I ate. I have IBS, and this was something that had to be tackled. whilst there is no evdience, in my mind it  couldn’t be helping. I know people who have gone for reflexology to help them get pregnant and others who have done acupuncture. I went for the latter. i was going to soon become a pin cushion, may as well start now!

I considered myself, at that time, to be pretty fit and healthy. however I dialled back the training a bit and tried to cut out or change things that were making the IBS worse. Even if my mind believed it helped, can only be a good thing surely?

With all this in mind, our first appointment was booked to start actual IVF. This s**t really was starting to get real now! how exciting, it wont be long and I will be a mammy, we will be parents with our own bundle of joy.

Clomid and IUI

So Clomid was to be our choice of medication to determine if this could encourage ovulation and increase the chances of me conceiving and then ultimately having a baby.

So off I popped to the pharmacy for my prescription of Clomid. I don’t really know how many prescriptions I had now, all I know is……yep you guessed it, it didn’t work. I was still childless.

I attended the IUI clinic, had all the necessary tests, conversations and off we embarked on the IUI journey. Now the drugs that you are given are designed to stimulate your ovaries to producing follicles. Any more than 2 follicles, then the cycle has to be abandoned due to increased risk of multiple births. Fine that’s ok, a couple of follicles and we are on our way. In our true style, nothing was that simple for us. My body reacted extremely well to the drugs and I was consistently producing more than two follicles, so treatment had to be abandoned. I lost count the number of times it was abandoned, and at that time I didn’t keep notes, which is bizarre for me as that’s my thing, make notes on everything! I think, if memory serves we only actually had one round that went all the way. but that failed.

We started looking at the future and if this treatment didn’t happen, what would we do next.

I already knew about IVF because of people I knew who had gone through it. However, I was determined to have my 2 free rounds on the NHS….why not I had worked since I was in college, through university and after my uni days were over, and I had contributed, so why not. However, in order to have your free rounds on the NHS (as it was when we started, it may have changed now), you had to have 2 failed attempts at IUI. I don’t mean 2 failed goes, I mean failed attempts, so from the initial stimulation through to intra uterine insemination (IUI). Ok, that should be easy enough. Again, as is with fertility treatment, nothing is easy.

Now at this point, I was genuinely starting to think I wasn’t meant to have children. But I am no quitter. This was not going to beat me. It was time now, surely, to turn to IVF. We had discussion with our team, and I was referred for IVF treatment. Ok, excuse my phrase, but this s*&t started to get real. Being quite ignorant to the fertility world, I labelled myself as ‘one of those’, you know the ‘defective ones’, ‘the ones with problems’. Yep these are all the things I thought, and people do believe you me.

It was now I was thinking wow, there really is a chance I wont become a mum. I wouldn’t get the chance to do all those mum things with my child, to teach my child life lessons, to go on adventures. Even now, recalling these thoughts and feelings brings a lump to my throat, and a little bit of anger that I had to go through that. But this is my mind now, slightly battered and bruised, and not my mind back then. Back then I was very mentally strong, not a lot got to me and I refused to be beaten. I had always been like that growing up. I guess I can attribute this to my family in many ways. I was always taught if crap gets thrown at you, you pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and you carry on…….and this is what I was going to do and this is what I did.

Sorry for the delay

Hey guys. Just wanted to pop on to say sorry for the delay. I wrote my next bit, saved it as my daughters bed time was calling, now i cant find it, so will have to rewrite!! 😢😢